I love you, and no matter what happens I will still love you and I still think of you all the time. I know it means nothing to you, but you mean everything to me.
Please if anyone ever falls in love with you and feels this strongly. Don't shrug it off like it is nothing, I'm not asking you to love them back, I'm just asking you to care.
And if anyone ever falls in love with someone this strongly and they don't love you the same way, hold on to every last bit of sanity you have. Don't let it completely ruin who you are. You are a wonderful person and can pull through. You will have some very rough times. But, it will get better...
I hope. At least that's what I've been told.
Pain. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pain. So deep it cuts into your very being. Leaving scars that will last long after the pain.
When more time is spent on the person you love than you would ever spend on yourself. Even if they would never give you the same sacrifice, and couldn't care less what your time is spent on.
No matter what you will always believe there is hope. And you despise yourself for it.
When your Heart has been ripped out, and ignored, yet still can't let go.
When you would do anything for your love... Even if it means that you can't love them.
When you try to find new ways to hate them. Becuase then at least it wouldn't hurt so much.
When everything is out of your control.
When you can't say why you love them, and to you that's the strongest love anyone can ever have.
When you realize that you can never, ever have them...again...
When you have finally hit the lowest low. And no one can bring you up, and anyone who can will never be there.
When you care so much about the person you forget about everything else completely, even your health and wellbeing.
When you sit and write something like this crying to yourself, and wondering why you are so pathetic.
When you can't sleep at night becuase when you close your eyes, they are standing there to remind you that you are alone.
When you feel all these feelings, but are too afraid to tell them, becuase you're scared they might not care. And the truth is they probably won't.
When you feel their presence everywhere. But you don't want to because it's just another reminder of how far away they really are.
When the pain is so great, you feel that giving up altogether is th only choice, when really you have so much to live for.
When they have told you that they don't love you. And you would do anything to say those same words...and mean it.
There’s a strange feeling that sometimes overcomes us when we’re reaching out to someone, this feeling of acute embarrassment. “Are we bothering them?” we ask ourselves, and almost wanting to apologize for even sending a message in the first place. It’s as though our very presence in their lives is a nuisance, and our efforts to connect as friends or lovers is one that only complicates things for them. We want to say, “I’m sorry that I want to talk to you, it’s weird and I should probably stop.”
The thing is, you can feel when you’re bothering someone. It’s not difficult to tell when you are the one who is always reaching out, always initiating contact, always starting the conversation. You realize in a way that is at once terribly humiliating and almost masochistically sweet that you are the one chasing after them. When they grant you with their reciprocity, with their attention — nothing feels better. But most times you are left sending a message that you immediately regret, because you know that it only puts one more tallymark in the “you need them, and not the other way around” column.
There are few things more painful than feeling like you’re constantly going out of your way for someone who is, at best, mildly amused by your affection. It’s hard to explain the feeling of disappointment exactly, but it’s mostly directed towards yourself. You can tell when you send them a good-morning text message, or mail them a gift, or take the time to do something for them that you know they’ll barely appreciate — this isn’t going to be reciprocated. This isn’t going to be really appreciated. Hell, it may not even be noticed. But you can’t stop yourself.
It’s just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don’t really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are a mild irritant. There are going to be friends we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we’re in trouble — no matter how much we do these things for them. And there are going to be lovers with whom we long to construct an entire relationship, but with whom we will always feel stuck at the frustrating “beginner phase” where no exchanges go beyond the superficial. It just happens.
The most difficult thing, it seems, is being able to admit when your love is going nowhere. Speaking personally, I have watched as more than one friendship proved themselves to be entirely one-sided, when my attempts to connect with the person (even in forums as non-committal as sending a Gchat), were proving increasingly pathetic. I was just way more into them than they were to me, and there is always a certain amount of pain in admitting that. You don’t want to confront this person and tell them, “Hey, look at all of these nice things I do and efforts I make for you, and you don’t do any of these things in return,” because it is a sad thing to do.
It’s sad because the truth is that they don’t owe you their friendship or their love. They don’t owe you the same kind of relationship you desire from them. You can’t insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth of something. We make the choice to keep giving our attention and love to someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don’t want it, and it is always their choice to make if they one day decide they want to start reciprocating.
But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder. That means admitting that you have lost a battle you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose.
