My Little Heart

Everyday before I go to bed, I would pray to Allah. Even though I might not pray 5 times a day like a good Muslim does, I never forget to make Du'a to Allah to forgive my family, my boyfriend and myself. Most importantly I would pray for my mom, may Allah lighten the load on her.

I knew from the day I was born I was nothing but a burden to her.Till now I still feels like it. I just wish one day I could pay her all the money she had spend on me all my life.Sometimes when I went shopping with her, Its actually hard for me to see her pay for my stuff and sometimes for my medicine too.

I just can't wait for school to be over and I can start working and pay her back. But since I'm still in school there's pretty much nothing i can do to pay her other than study twice as hard.For now i would just hold back my feelings and just accept the fact that I'm still a burden to her.

But one day she said a sentence that I would never forget."Ida suka menyusahkan mama papa" even though she said it nicely but i just can't hold back my tears in the car. I know I'm a burden, with my health condition that would need treatment and check up. I know I'm a burden. But it's not that i wanted to be sick on purpose.

I didn't ask for it. And surely "Ida tak nak susahkan mama papa".But when she says it, its was like someone punch me in the heart.The Du'a that i made every night may Allah lighten the load on her was no good, I realized I was the load all along.

I just want her to know, I didn't mean to do it on purpose.I wish i could give her all the money she wasted on me. I don't even want to be born if I knew my presence on this world would burden the person I love the most. :')