that one night

the last few months had been really hard for me. I was like a baby. I didn't know how to eat proper food. I don't talk to people. my face was filled with sadness. everyone know Nursyahida is a bubbly girl who would jump around or as my friends like to call me " kanak kanak ribenna and tukang gelak setia" I was always smiling laughing. but after you left me debok I felt like I was dead but have to live once again. I seriously don't know how to eat. there was a time that I didn't actually eat for 3 days. I just drank water. tu pun mama paksa. I was like a baby. At home I would just stay in my room staring at Ed all day long till I fell asleep. everyday. whene ever mama ajak pergi rumah tok bah I would just sit at the corner alone. ida termenung je. believe it or not no one dare to come near me or to talk to me.. tok bah pun tak berani.. they thought I really lost my mind. I over heard tok bah suruh mama bawak ida pergi jumpa ustz. and she did when we go back to Kelantan. I wasn't being myself... I was really pale.. skinny .. sick ..quiet... alone... only mama dare to come and comfort me. but at that time I would just termenung and I was so quiet... it was like I never learnt how to talk.. when ever I talk I would just whisper. Pagi raya when I hear takbir I went all crazy... because the last time I heard his voice at that time malam raya over the phone and ida dengar takbir raya through the phone. esok pagi tu when I heard takbir raya .. I was shaking and I put my hands over my ears.. that morning was .... everyone was smiling happy ... looking at Ira and Elly calling Irfan and akid mintak maaf with each other and smiling a laughing... and I was at the corner crying. when ever mama ajak ida keluar jalan.. and when ever ida Nampak motor mcm faiq even its different in colour I would just shed a tears... I know its stupid haha tengok motor kt parking kerete macam motor faiq pun ida boleh menagis.

trial spm ida fail... I would return my paper wet .. cz of my tears... teachers had to call my mom..
but really they tried everything they can to help me... at the end I still failed my spm trial..

And when ida kat rumah.. when I heard bunyi motor je lalu depan rumah I would run down stair and looked if it was him... everytimeeee motor lalu je. I would be downstairs... wishing it was you.

then this one night comes... everyone knows ida ni penakut. malam nak turun amik air kat bawah pun takut.. but this one night I was asleep then I had a dream that you were downstairs kat luar rumah wanting to see me. ida bagun je and I actually heard motor that sounds similar macam motor faiq.. I think it was 4 am ida lari kat bawah macam dunia nak kiamat .. without feeling afraid at all. I ran opened the door... opened my gate.. and it was my neighbour baru balik naik motor.... I sat by my gate.... and close my eyes and took a deep breath.. and I heard this voice coming from inside myself saying " if you really love him you have to give him what he wants ida... even though the things he wants may hurt you ida... ida just have to give him want he want even though if it means he wants me away from him... or having me to see him happy with other girl.. I just have to let it be.... its all for him.... if ida really loves him .... u have to let him have want he wants.... and this is what he wants ... for us to be apart ... ida kene kuat...." and I opened my eyes masuk rumah ... lay in bed hugging ed.. and just sleep thinking im doing this for him...

pompeii

I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
If you close your eyes



Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

embarassement

you told me you still cry till now thinking what happened between us the other night.
you asked why I didn't tell you stuff about me anymore to you.

the truth is i'm embarrass. to be honest you are the first person on my mind where ever I go.
when things happened to me , whether having a fight with friends , family , or even feeling sick. there's no one in this world I rather tell than you. you know for the past years you're the one i'll come to when something happens no matter what is it. even when I was your friend 3 years ago. I would tell you everything .. I would call you ...

I know we're back to being just friends now. but this time it's different. you might not know what im feeling. this time im full of embarrassment. embarrass about what you may ask ?
Debok :) open your eyes.. what i'd done to you. I embarrass with you with your family and friends and myself. I done stupid things to you. I tried to kill myself for you. I made stupid videos in public about you. I called your family asking to them to talk to you. when all u wanted was to be away from me.

when you said to my mom that you really don't have feelings for me anymore. I should've stop there.
I was embarrass enough with myself .. I thought you loved me like u said before. but having you to tell it in front of my mom made it worst. but I didn't learn my lesson there. I called your family ... I told them how much I love you how I really need you in my life. having you to tell them that you don't want me was like someone stabbed in a thousand times. then I realised, you really don't want me in your life anymore.

Now when something happens to me. whether me having car accident or me having asthma attack. I would just stare at your name on my phone. feeling wanting to tell you but at the same time I feel unwanted by you. then I would shed a tear alone and turn off my phone.

At night whether I was laying in bed at home , at clinic or at hospital I would just close my eyes and imagining that you were right beside me. I would talk to myself "debok .. I wish you were here holding me like before... I love you so much debok.. never stop.."

I remember that one day after i had a car accident I was on hospital bed in emergency area looking at the empty chair beside my bed I closed my eyes imagining you were there right beside me :')

debok .. please .. im begging you don't you ever for a second think you're nothing to me. or you're just a 'friend' to me. you know you mean the world to me. You are my world that I can't call mine anymore...

Its 11.52

Hi debok. How r u ? Good ? Ida okay je. Just sakit as usual getting worse each day actually and still wishing and pretending you're right by my side holding me... Sadly it only happens when i close my eyes. When i open my eyes you dissapear hmm its okay  Spm nak dekat bok :) 

I miss u :) so much :) i hope u're doing fine there and always smiling :) goodnight sayang. *wish i can say that to you debok. Byebye tc sweet dreams

Let her go - passenger

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

I remember this ...

Haha you know what's funny is when u been through all this situation before. The exact situation with the same person. Haha i remember the last time when he worked at starbucks that "brb" and "jap eh" never ends hahaha 

Not to forget the "jap eh i nak mandikan adik i" hahaha. 

Its okay if you're busy i understand :) 

I've been through this before with him , i understand :) ida dah biase :) 

We're alright

Those dark brown eyes,

And that contagious smile,

And those lips, and the way they verbalize,

It was at Wangsa Walk, 

What a surprise to me,

You held my hand the first time,

You looked at me and smiled,

Everything was perfect,

Everything was great,

I was on a fairytale,

It's a dream while I'm awake,

But days passed and we weren't there,

And it felt like we didn't care anymore..

But why'd we say goodbye ?

You said you don't have the strenght for both of us,

We said we try, to work things out,

But all of sudden we're all tired,

And said goodbye,

Its sad not to hear your voice at 3 am

No one's ever gonna call me "sayang" like you do again,

I'll miss your kiss and your warm hugs,

But now that we said goodbye,

I'll pretend that i'm alright,

Yeah, im alright, im alright,

You said you didnt wanna see me cry,

But i'll pretend that i'm alright,

Im alright , im alright,

I'll miss you kissing me on the escalator,

And watch you smile with those tiny teeth,

When you sing to me with ur friend,

Made me smile inside and outside

And as the sun goes down and the moon comes up,

It's a different person that i'm with ,

So much simpler, so much better and so beautiful..

The way we laugh with your friends 

You way i love to play with your neck,

You're just so funny,

I can't believer that we're letting this go..

But why'd we say goodbye ?

You said you don't have the strenght for both of us,

We said we try, to work things out,

But all of sudden we're all tired,

And said goodbye,

Its sad not to hear your voice at 3 am

No one's ever gonna call me "sayang" like you do again,

I'll miss your kiss and your warm hugs,

But now that we said goodbye,

I'll pretend that i'm alright,

Yeah, im alright, im alright,

You said you didnt wanna see me cry,

But i'll pretend that i'm alright,

Im alright , im alright, 

Maybe it's time to let it go

Maybe it's better off alone

Maybe today's the wrong time

Someday we'll learn to be strong

Maybe you're right about this,

You don't have the strength for both of us,

We can't keep up on this,

So goodbye.... 

Let me hear your voice at 3 am

call me "sayang" like you always do again,

your kiss and your warm hugs,

I'm never gonna say goodbye

Cause we're alright...

How i go to sleep hihi *gedik

I think about you every night before i go to sleep. 

1-i imagine that u're here with me

2-with one arm around me and ur legs touching mine ... *u tau i suke tidur gosok kaki org ;)

3-the you kiss my neck 

4-wishing me "goodnight sayang"

5-fall asleep in ur warm arm and ur fluffy legss *gomoi*

I do this everynight now :) 

Im off to bed. Went to school at 6am back from school at 7.30 pm. Balik ngaji sampai 9.30 now nak KO atas katil dengan Ed. 

Goodnight debokk :)