embarassement

you told me you still cry till now thinking what happened between us the other night.
you asked why I didn't tell you stuff about me anymore to you.

the truth is i'm embarrass. to be honest you are the first person on my mind where ever I go.
when things happened to me , whether having a fight with friends , family , or even feeling sick. there's no one in this world I rather tell than you. you know for the past years you're the one i'll come to when something happens no matter what is it. even when I was your friend 3 years ago. I would tell you everything .. I would call you ...

I know we're back to being just friends now. but this time it's different. you might not know what im feeling. this time im full of embarrassment. embarrass about what you may ask ?
Debok :) open your eyes.. what i'd done to you. I embarrass with you with your family and friends and myself. I done stupid things to you. I tried to kill myself for you. I made stupid videos in public about you. I called your family asking to them to talk to you. when all u wanted was to be away from me.

when you said to my mom that you really don't have feelings for me anymore. I should've stop there.
I was embarrass enough with myself .. I thought you loved me like u said before. but having you to tell it in front of my mom made it worst. but I didn't learn my lesson there. I called your family ... I told them how much I love you how I really need you in my life. having you to tell them that you don't want me was like someone stabbed in a thousand times. then I realised, you really don't want me in your life anymore.

Now when something happens to me. whether me having car accident or me having asthma attack. I would just stare at your name on my phone. feeling wanting to tell you but at the same time I feel unwanted by you. then I would shed a tear alone and turn off my phone.

At night whether I was laying in bed at home , at clinic or at hospital I would just close my eyes and imagining that you were right beside me. I would talk to myself "debok .. I wish you were here holding me like before... I love you so much debok.. never stop.."

I remember that one day after i had a car accident I was on hospital bed in emergency area looking at the empty chair beside my bed I closed my eyes imagining you were there right beside me :')

debok .. please .. im begging you don't you ever for a second think you're nothing to me. or you're just a 'friend' to me. you know you mean the world to me. You are my world that I can't call mine anymore...