Please mama jangan pergi

Ida just nak ikut mama esok ~
Because i know i duduk rumah without mama nanti ida lonely ~
Ida tak suke when im alone and teringat kat die.
Please mama jangan la tinggal ida ~ :'/
Ida just nak explain kat mama why ida nak ikut sebab ida takut duduk rumah sorang ngan adik :'/
Kak aniq takde :'/ nanti ida teringat kat faiq :'/
Mama jangan la tengking ida depan orang ramai :'/
Let me explain ~
Takpe la ....

Tabahkan la hati ida...

Ya Allah malam ni macam macam happened. Ida nak demam. cousin ida said things yang sentap sikit la hati ida. Mama marah ida depan orang ramai.. Normally i would talk to debok ... Ya Allah ida promise dengan Allah n myself i will not susahkan faiq dah.... Ya Allah selame ni die ade dengar idaa  make me feel better... I feel really down. Mcm downn sngt. Rendah , malu , semua ade. Badan dah bise bise :/ malam ni mesti susah nak tidur.
Ya Allah bagi la kekuatan kat diri ida.

Taking my time

Things happened for a reason.
We go our separate way for a reason.
Allah maha Adil :)
Ida hamba Allah yang banyak buat dosa.
Dosa ngan mama papa family and even aiq.
Making faiq to go through things he went through when he was with me.
Ida tak nak seksa die lagi Ya Allah because i love him so much.
I can't lie to myself and my heart.
I do love him and that means i can't let him go through it again.
I love him and all i can  do is pray that he'll have a happy life with whom ever he choose to be with even though it might not be me :) i love him. Ida tak boleh selfish . Its okay i suffer with spm struggle through all these. What's  important is the person i love  faiq is back on his feet to his bright future :)
I know deep in my heart he'll be the men that was in my dream :)
Big car happy successful its okay if i have to be starbuck girl that he doesnt  recognise atleast i know he'll be the men i know he will be :) insyaAllah dengan izin Allah *Amin :)
All the person that i love the most
I'm taking this time to really ask for forgiveness
Im done praying for Allah to open his heart for me , crying in my sujud to give me a chance to make things right with him to love him right. Not for the mean time.
When Allah decide the time i want to make things right. Now i Learned my lesson well
Taking this nak betul kan balik kesilapan ida.
Posting bad things about my love ones in public Ya Allah dosa die mcm mount everest dah.
And he was right. Ida ni memang tak matang lagi selalu think negative on soo many things especially towards my love ones and family also. Sikap ida yang suke balas dendam towards my love one.Ya Allah ampun kan la dosa ida. Mcm mcm dah
Kalau Allah izin kat ida balik berbaik dengan faiq balik this time i want to make it right.
Ida tak nak buat dosa kat dia. I'd make things right :) love him right :)
But for the mean time im slowly learning from my mistake.
InsyaAllah dengan izin Allah ida boleh berubah :)
I can feel it in me already. A little improvement. Selama ni tak sedar ngan dosa ida. Now i know dosa ida kalau mati sekarang confirm masuk neraka tak payah soal dalam kubur :)
Mintak mintak things will be alright for me , and him. Never miss his name and his family in my prayers to have a happy life and murah kan rezeki mereka :) kalau Allah izin faiq and i will be together again. Allah know what he's doing :) kalau faiq bukan untuk ida pun Allah have a reason for it :)

I get it :') hope u're happy. Goodbye :')

Faiqq.. Ida nak cakap thanks for taking care of me :')

Thanks for making me feel so special :')

Thanks for making me happy and be that bubbly girl i once were :')

Thanks sebab suruh ida makan ubat :')

Thanks for the warm hugs u given me :')

Thanks for being there at the hospital

Thanks for being there for me when puteh died :')

Thanks for trying to help me find adam 

Thanks for making me urs for the 2nd time:')

Thanks for being there 24/7 even on the phone :') 

Thanks for the compliment about my art work

Thanks for making me smile

Thanks for making me extra blush when i'm with you

Thanks for holding my hand and making my heart skips a beat :') 

Thanks for the warm kisses you had given me :').... Thanks for being my debok , my doreamon , my gajah , my lutfin , my aiq , my faiq upon a princess , my faiq zulkifli :') thanks for being my brother , my boyfriend , my dad , my best friend , my friend , a shoulder to cry on , a place to talk to , a place to share feelings with :')thanks for eveything :')

Our convo ends here :') this is the last blog im gonna post for you to read :')

I get ur words :'( u don't have feeling for me :'( 

Lets pretend like i never been to maya when i first met you :') white shirt and no sabun :') this is what you really want.. :') 

I respect u're decision :'( i know there's no space me in ur heart :') no chance for you to love me again :'( ida tak kan kacau faiq dah :') u never met a girl name Nursyahida Binti Muhamad Saidi :') just know that i will always love you :'( i will never forget bout you and our good and bad times together :'( the last post and if u remember i told u this blogged i made 2 years ago with ur full name as my password :') u were always in my heart even when im with other guys :')

I never love anyone as much as i love you :')m

You may think i deserve better but its u that i really want and ever wish for since the day i met you :')

I wish we can just sit together one day just us two and make things better :'(
Every night i always been waiting for your call to say you love me :'( berangan je ida haha :')

But there's no chance we can do that cz u heart just won't accept me :'( 

Its you that changed my life for better :')

Just Wish one day you'll see my love towards you :') 

Thanks for everything faiq lutfi shahrin :') 

Goodbye :'( 

Salam Zuhur

Just finish solat zuhur. Mintak mintak Allah dengar doa ida :') 

English paper... Missed.

Ya Allah my favorite paper is english everybody knows tht :'( todayy i couldn't make it because im too sick to get out of bed... Ya Allah i already screwed my agama n bm paper bcz i couldn't think straight. Now i missed my english paper :'( tolong la jgn seksa idaaa. I cant be sick right now :'(

Allah please tell him..

Allah please tell him how much i love him

Allah please tell him how much i miss him

Allah please tell him my life has been a mess

Allah please tell him i need him

Allah please tell him to give me a chance 

Allah please tell him to let me love him :')

Allah please tell him i already suffered enough 

Allah please tell him how much he means to a girl name Nursyahida binti Muhamad Saidi :') 

Aminnnn with puddle of tears. 5 times aday after solat i would do this. 

Allah tolong la dengar doa ida :')

I love ..but why..

I love how you use to kiss me so many time at once.

I love how you would held my hand 

I love how you would go mad when ida tak makan ubat 

I love how you would go mad kalau ida tak makan 

I love to tease you main ngan leher you 

I love to play with ur leg

I love to play with ur fingers :'(

I love to give you that supper tight hug :'( 

Whyy :'( sayangg .., why i can't do all of that anymore.... Kenape faiq tak sayang idaaa :'( selame ni ida sayangg sngt kat faiq . When i said i'll never leave you. I mean it sayangg :'( tapi u tinggal kan idaaa :'( ya Allah bg la tauu faiq ida sayang die sngt... Not abg aiman can steal my heart.. Not anak datuk can steal my heart and make me feel special like faiq does :'( kenape die buat ida mcm ni..,, bglatau die idaaaa syg die sngt sngt

Didn't go well

Remember you we're gonna talk about us last friday with Pika n Ira ?

That didn't go well. Before that day i asked ira to give an opinion  on us. U don't wanna know what she said to me. "Ira ade masalah sendiri nak fikir pasal korang" 

Sayang... I need this to stop over and maybe asked u're friend to give an opinion. 

Daniel maybe.. Anyone who u rarely see.

We can start over. U dont hve to call me ur gf or wht so ever. We just need to talk face to face about this sayang not on the phone. And don't run away from me :'( 

3 people , me , u and one of ur friend.

Sayang i'll make the best of it. I learned my mistake :'( ida dah terima balasanye :'( pleasee ... Just please let me love you again and start over :'(

I would end all of my doa with this wishes and amin with a puddle of my tears sayang... Ida sayang faiq :'( i just really need you. I tell you ida tak boleh tulis ape pun kat paper exam idaaa sayang :'( pleasee lets sit together and really talk about this. We'll make it right this time i promise debok :'( 

Im the one you don't appreciate you

I know all these days i kept you don't appreciate me. I know now that i guess i was saying that to myself. 

I'm the one you doesn't appreciate you.

Now i know how i feel to really lose you.

I have no one to talk to anymore

I have no one to count on anymore

I have no one to cuddle with

I have no one to take care of me like you do. 

You were there all the time taking care of me :'( 

Why was i too dump to see that.

Sayangg ....

Sayang i seriously can't take this anymore :'( know that i love you so much. Ida tak boleh jawab exam ida sayang :'( so many things on my mind :'(

Ida faham ni balasan ida buat kat you dulu. Ida tau i left dulu mase you spm :'( i know ! I know how you feel now! Ida mintak maaf sayangg... Jangann seksaaa ida sayanggg :'( this is soo hard. Why do you have to do this to me at a time like this sayangg :'( ida mintakk maaf ida melutut ...ape yang ida buat kat faiq 3 years ago dah kene kat ida balik...

Ida dah terima balasann die :'( ida tak boleh jawab langsung any of my paper :'(

Whyyy cnt u seee i love u so muchhh faiq :'( 

Sanggup you buat ida macam niii :'( kenape u tak nampaki sayang u sngt faiq :'( 

And why can u love me back :'( 

Faiq kate faiq sayang idaa :'( 

Look debok

Debok semalam kan ida kene cakar lg but it wasn't as hard as before. 

Its like she hugged me and cakar ida sekali je i felt like die cakar me around my tummy. 

Debok kate nak jaga ida semalam :'( 

I didnt tell anyone cz i know they just don't believe me. I know wht i saw i know what i feel. And again i woke up with a scratch on my tummy. Thank god it wasn't as bad as before. 

Never thought...

Never thought that day was going to be the last day i'm going to get a kiss from you. 

Never thought that day was going to be the last day i can hug you. No wonder i felt like hugging you twice as hard because it was going to be our last hug :')

Never thought that day was going to be the last day i can play with his leg :') 

Never thought that day was going to be the last day i can be proud that you're mine 

Never thought that day was going to be the last day i can call you my boyfriend :')

Never thought that day was going to be the last day i can put my tiny hand into your big hand 

Never thought that day was going to end us. 

Never thought it will end this quickly 

Never thought we gonna be apart again :') 

Never thought its gonna hurt this much :')

Goodbye :')

I can honestly say

You've been on my mind

Since I woke up today

I look at your photograph all the time

These memories come back to life

And I don't mind

I remember when you kissed

I still feel it on my cheek

The time that you held my hand

Around your friends

I remember the simple things

I remember till I cry :') 

But the one thing I wish I'd forget

The memory I wanna forget

Is goodbye

I woke up this morning

And played our song "all i wanted" 

And through my tears I sang along

I picked up the phone and then

Put it down

'cause I know I'm wasting my time

And I don't mind

Suddenly my cell phone's blowing up

With your ring tone

I hesitate but answer it anyway

You sound so alone

And I'm surprised to hear you say

You remember when we hugged

You still feel it ... 

The time that you held my hand

With you friends around

You remember the simple things

But you remember all that just for awhile :') 

 

I can honestly say that was my biggest regret

The one thing i wish I'd forget

Is saying goodbye

Saying goodbye :')

Did u know ?

Did you know how hard it is to make you say you love me again ? 

Did you know when the first time after the 3 year you said you love me i was on my way to school and i was so excited i didn't want to go to school. 

Did you know all these years i've been trying to get near you but you kept pushing me away with the lamest excuse that i still remember till now "i nak mandi kan adik i" :')

Did you know after we talked on skype and you were really upset because you're mom doesn't have the money to buy your music stuff and she asked you to sell your macbook instead and i was actually saving money up to 1k to help you.

Did you know i walked all the way from KLCC to pavi to buy you're birthday present and i was trying to call all your friends because i wanted to get the perfect present for you.

Did you know after you asked me to be your girlfriend on skype i couldn't sleep thinking about you

Did you know every time i want to see you i would get all nervous and anxious

Did you know how much i love u ?

Why can't you love me as much as i love you :')

Pass out.

Debokk tadi kan kat sekolah i almost pass out kat sekolah dalam dewan nak exam :'( badan ida letih sngt. Cikgu suruh pergi bilik rawatan but i had to finish the paper :'( tah ape pun ida jawab ida tak tau bokk :'( bokk kat manee :'( i need you

Please lepas SPM or lepas trial

Ya Allah i can honestly say ida sakit. Ida tak tahan dah.. Ida nak pergi hospital tapi ida trial. Kalau ida bagitau mama ida kene tahan wad. Ida tak nak ya Allah atleast lepas trial.mama dah tegur muka ida pucat gile.

Sebab ida tak nak risau kan die. Everytime i want to go out of my room i would pun on natural blusher n pink lip bum on. So mama tak hantar ida hospital at the mean time

Tapi ida sorang je rase sakit ni. Seksanyaa ida nak makan but i can't :'(

Ya Allah ida nak trial pun mengigil nak tulis sakit :'( i knw i'm going to fail my trial. 

Please let me tahan for these 2 weeks. 

Lepas trial atleast kalau nak pass out pun.

 

Ida sakit mengadu ngan Allah je and imaginary Debok.how i wish i can tell faiq about it :'( Ya Allah please please please let me through my trial.... 

 

How r u debok

Hi debok, how's ur day ? Wanna tell me 

About it sayang ? *foreheadkiss 

Mine was horrible. Ida nak jawab paper agama tadi seksa sangat sayang. I pergi toilet nangis tadi. Betapa seksanye ida sekarang syg :'( badan ida sakit gile pedih pedih lagi :'( tapi sayang jangan worry ida dah sapu cream :) goodgirl kan ? 

Ida tak tau macam mane i nak tidur malam ni sayang. I nak tidur bawah ketiak you boleh.. Kalau ade sape sape cakar u tumbok die tau bokk~ u jaga ida kan ? I love you so much *kiss* u're always in my mind. Even though he doesnt love me anymore. Tapi i will always love my debok :') 

One lucky girl

Kalau betul la he's trying to contact you balik u're so lucky. I said this 3 years ago and i say it again now. U're lucky that he still have feelings for you.

You deserve him better than i do. I'm sorry i ruined u're relationship with him before. I came along and took him for you. That was wrong. I deserve to suffer like this. 

He has no feelings for me. I don't have the right to make him love me. Ida bukan Allah nak suruh die syg ida balik. No matter how much i want that to happen :'( 

You're so lucky right from the start :') i'm sorry i came along and ruin u're relationship. 

You're better off with him :') u're pretty , u're tall , u ayu je , im sure you can cook..  U're perfect for him :') jangan sakit hati die kay :') 

Sayang die , manje kan die , be proud that he's urs , love him all u're heart. Promise me :'( 

 

No words

Stay with me, baby stay with me,

Tonight don't leave me alone.

Walk with me,

To the edge of all we've ever known.

I can see you there with the city lights,

That tiny teeth that i always adore, and that fluffy cheek 

I can breathe you in.

Two shadows standing by the bedroom door,

No, I could not want you more than I did right then,

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,

But with my eyes closed all I see

Is the skyline, through the window,

The moon above you and the streets below.

Hold my breath as you're moving in,

Taste your lips and feel your skin.

When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly.

Don't run away...

And it's hard to love again,

When the only way it's been,

When the only love you knew,

Just walked away...

If it's something that you want,

Debok you don't have to run,

You don't have to go ...

I don't know what's happening

I lost 2 kg this week. Without knowing how. 

Its getting worse i would eat a whole bucket of rice with chicken and stuff at the end my tummy just won't accept it. 

Last last mesti muntah jugak. Ya Allah kenape sekarang jugak bende nak jadi kat ida :'( that's why i don't eat anymore. Sbb everytime i eat at the end mesti muntah. Muntah tak mcm biase. It really hurts. Perit gile kat perut ida nak keluar semua balik... Ya Allah kenapee :'( muka ida pun teruk satu colour je beza sngt dulu and sekarang... Its slowly eating me inside :'( pleaseee ya Allah ida tak nakk :'(

Now  and then..

Debokk im scareddd :'(

Debokk tak kan percaya ape jadi kat ida semalam... Last night i was sleeping at 12 tau... Then suddenly ida rase kene henpap and ida bace ape yang ustz tu suruh then she started to cakar me... Tajammm sayang :'( i was crying and i knew no one could hear me :'( then i managed to wake up yes i was crying and terrified. 

Then ida tgk jam pukul 3 lebihhh ida tak tau buat ape smlm i just sit at the corner of my room just crying cz im scared... I wish i can call faiqq :'( but i can't... 

Pastu tibe tibe je papa kejut i bagun sekolah i tidur kat lantai ... Then i pegi bukak baju nak mandi.. I bukak shower i jerit gile gile badan i pedihh gile.

Then i noticed ade calar calar kat badan ida

Yang ni kat tangan ida ade banyak lagi kat belakang ida syg :'( i was so damn scared semalam.. I counldn't think of anything... Badan ida pedih sngt syg. Kat kepale pun pedihhh :'( i need youu debokkkk :'( so baddd :'( ngan exam lg why is this happening to me :'( 

Take care of him

Hi its Ida. If you really do exist. Please take care of faiq. 

Manje kan die :') time die sakit okay.

Be there for him. Jangan larang die smoke :') 

Die ade gastric terus sampai bongkok. Make sure die makan ubat :') call him..  Kalau ade sebelah die lagi bagus, faiq ni orang die manja time sakit :') 

Dont worry kalau you sakit die akan kaga you jugak :') die caring , loving , protective.

Pleasee jaga faiq elok elok jaga hati die.

Faiq suke perempuan pandai masak :') hopefully u know how to cook. Asam pedas and lemang are his fav kalau pandai masak chocolate cup cakes lagii extra die syg! And kalau you lepak mamak ngan die make sure order kan die limau ice :') 

He likes having long hair. Biar je die nak rambut panjang :) die susah ade rambut. Panjang sbb kecik kecik die kene leukemia. Give him that feeling 

And kalau korang gaduh ckp buat mcm ida buat tweet je kesiann die maluu. 

U should just terus terang ngan die

And one last thing DONT ever think negative on him or what ever he does. 

You have him. Please take care of him. I can surely tell you if you takes care of him you'll be the luckiest girl in this world. I can only be the luckiest girl in his life for a while. But youu.... U're so lucky 

I failed to take care of his heart. 

If its true

Kalau betul la faiq tak sayang ida lagi

Kalau betul la yang faiq dah balik ngan die :'(

Kalau betul la die perempuan paling bertuah kat dunia ni... Ida sumpah

Kalau betul la you have someone else :'(

Kalau betul la faiq benci ngan ida :'(

Kalau betul la faiq dah give up ngan ida :'(

I just wanna say thank you for these years. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for loving me. 

Hanya Allah je mampu balas faiq :'( 

Never good enough for me

The thought that was always on your mind was a car... Car would be make me happy like a child. Car is the need for us to be a happy couple.

You tak pernah that u're special to me. Ida tak pernah sayang orang mcm ni. The longest i've been in relationship would be  2 to 3 months. But with you its different. Because i believe in your love. 

You dnt need a car to make me happy. You don't need to be a pilot to make me proud. 

You don't need to have a rich family for me to love you..

Can't you see how i much i love you :'( 

Faiq ...

Faiq u know i love you so much. You can tell i love i so much. You know i never love anyone like i love you. I can tell you i NEVER make a birthday surprise for any of my boyfriend. I NEVER kiss any of my boyfriend and feel proud that you're mine. 

Yet kenapa faiq tak rase mcm mane ida rase. If you really meant wht you said to me through bbm whatsapp. About wanting to grow old with me were true ikhlas dari hati you. Why are you doing this.

No matter hard things go in our relationship that's what makes us stronger. We can go through it together sayang :'( 

Because i thought he needed each other.is it just me sayangg :'( idaa je ke perluu kan you :'( 

I need someone

I could really use a hug from him

I could really use some kiss to give me a boast on my trial :'( 

I realllyy need himm :'( ya Allah ... Nape susah sngttt :'( ida sayanggg dieee. Ida perluuu kan die.... :'( 

Debokkk :'( ida tak tahann

Sayanggg debokkk :'( i need aiqqq at this timeee :'( i need him to support me :'( esok ida dah start triall :'( ida sayang die sngt bokk ~ tapi kenape die tk boleh sayang ida mcm mane ida sayang die :'( 

Why can't he see

Why can't he see that i have a heart

He said i was his 

He said i can hug him

He said i can kiss him

Then u changed his mind just like that. :'( ya Allah sakitttnye :'( 

First paper

I don't know how i'm gonna start my trial tomorrow. Thank you aiq :'( thankk you so much :'( 

Ya Allah kenape

Ya allah kenape die buat ida macam ni...

Time sakit die cari ida cakap sayang rinduu... Ida percaya kat die. 

Tapi lepas tu sihat tinggal je ida... Ya Allah kenape ade manusia mcm die.. 

Ida rase  mcm hati ida ni baru nak baik pastu die dtg tolong ida ubat lepas tu sepak je hati ida balik. 

Ya Allah sakitttnyeee. Kenape die tak faham ida sayang die.... Kenapeee ? 

Kenape hidup die lebih senang tanpa idaa... Kenape ida menderitaaa die kat sane gelak gelak ngan kawan diee :'( 

Yassin

Morning debok :) ida just woke up :) visit kubur tok mak :) rinduu tok mak :) kubur tok mak cantikkk bersihhh :) mintak mintak tok mak masuk syurga. Yassin 

Debok ... Bad news..

Hi debok.. Guess what things are not going as well as we thought debok ..

Yeaa .. Me too i though its a fresh start with him from the point we love each other... 

Tapi kan bok ~ semalam it looks like he's saying different. Its like he's saying yes fresh start but from the point we met. Yea just friends. Tht means he can't love me .., kan ? I donno la hati die.... :'( what happened bok ~ 

And why are u still missing bok. Please comee back i miss u so much. Faiq left me u can leave me too ~

Important year.

Why must this happen on one of the most important year in my life. This is gonna be twice as hard for me. To make it worse i never take any exams in Malaysia. I don't even know how it's going to be. And all of this happened to me. Astagfirallahazim. 

Where's the starting over

Hmm these past two days had changed me a little. You know i started to smile , talk to people , start studying , and all that stuff cuz something happen between us. 

We decided to go back as normal. Like a loving couple without a label on. Im fine with it as long as i have him and i know he loves me back. 

Its like starting over. I'm happy that it happened.he said he love me , and i love him and he's mine. Okay but not putting a label on it. He's mine is good enough for me. 

But at the same time my heart tell me to watch out. For what ? This ...

Last night he started saying he's focusing back into his life ... What happened ? I mean its ok you can focus in ur life and work.. I'll be focusing with my spm. But we can still love each other right ? 

But then he stared saying that he can't say if he loves me or not... What ? When u're life is back you start to slowly pushing me. I thought so at first place :') 

Suddenly he can't say if he loves me or not.... Where's the starting over ? :') 

Yeayy

Debokkkkkkk ! *jumping up n down*

Guess wht ?! Tadii en ida jumpe faiqqq :)

Baru balik solat jumaat tadi die pakai kain pelekat ! *pengsan jap* its ok ida cannot hug die pun :) but at least ida boleh jumpe die. No matter how much i want to kiss him and held his hand~ takpe la im happy enough :)

Morning debok :)

Good morningg debokkk :*

Ida nak pergi sekolah dah tau sayang :* 

Debok tidur je kayyy *salamm 

I love you *kiss on ur cheeks 

I miss debok..

Debokk ... Where have you been ? 

He left me... But you can't be leaving too right debok ? Are you ? Please don't debok i have no onee tau... 

Kawan ida semua tinggal kan ida when he left me bok ... So as all my cousins .. I was waiting for you debok to come.. 

Debok ida rindu nak peluk debok .. Call debok every night .. Ida dah takde sape nak mengadu nak cerita nak manja pun takde bok ~ :'( 

Ida malam malam kan bok susah gile nak tidur.. Asyik mimpi die je then mesti bagun peluh peluh nak dekat seminggu dah bok~ mata ida ni sebenarnye macam nak tercabut dah

Kepale ida pun pening tak cukup tidur. With period ida lagi overflow selalu letih bokk *baring atas riba debok* 

Do you think he'll come back bok ? Debok rase die sayang ida lagi tak ?

Tapi kan bok kalau die sayang kenape die boleh gelak kan ida mase ida nangis dalam phone ..

Ida sedih gile sampai malam tu ida dalam bilik ngan mama after the call ended kan bok ida tak boleh nafas.. I actually kene mengucat... But he doesn't care bok ~ he actually giggled over the phone :'(

And pagi raya tu kan bok i just couldn't upload my picture on first raya. I literally looked like dead people. Pucat gile. Pagi raya mintak maaf kat tok bah mak ngah mak long semua nasihat kan ida supaya kuat dengan dugaan ni.. And yeaa pastu mata ida meleleh sebab dieorg ingatkan ida yang he left me for real ...

I just need you bok ~ where are you .. Esok nak sekolah dah ... Ida tak tau boleh belajar ke tak esok. Malam ni confirm tak tidur lagi ~ and mesti ida just baring pandang ceiling pastu tibe tibe meleleh air mata ... Hmmm i wish bok for you to come to my house at night .., i swear bok i'll come outtt straight awayy

Tak pakai seliper running out the door n hug youu debok :'( that's how much i miss youu... Well lets just hope time tu ida tak lupe pakai bra or even wear my pants hahaha ... But i sure it will never happen bok :'( i know he's no going to come. Ever ....  

Takkan

I thought we promised that what ever happens we will be together.

You told me , ur exact word was "takkan" where are those words sayang ? Wheree ... 

I thought ....

I thought i just have to wait for 4 more months then i can be with you most of the time.

I didn't know now I'm waiting for that 4 more months to be far away from you :')

Enjoy while it last

All i can do now is just put the fake smile on my face.pretend im A okAy with just being friends with him. Pretend infront of everyone. Especially infront of my family and him. 

After spm if nothing's change between us.im sure his decision was final. And nothing will change his feelings towards me. i dont think i can bare it any longer. 

This time mama said i have to go alone.

No worries i already have a place to stay over there. 

Should i go ?

I can see this is going no where. I'm all sad with the memories he's fine on the other side. 

I'm not leaving for PLKN. 

But i think i might have to leave after spm

My mom and i talked about it last time.

But i kinda said i don't want to go because i don't want to leave him.

After spm is the time where i can actually be there for him. 

Finally meet his friends yang die selalu lepak. Go out at night. By then i'll have my car. If he ever gets sick i certainly won't ask him to go to the clinic. 

I myself will fetch him from his house straight to the clinic. Lepak kat studio faliq while he's doing his work .That's what i can't wait for.. To have him day and night

But ... Now its all gone.. 

Should i go ? 

If i go i'll take the first flight after spm. 

This time it wont be a lie like last time on his birthday. 

And certainly won't tell him where , and when im going.. 

I'll just go 

Hmm :'( why doesn't he love me back ....

When i sleep ..

When i sleep it like a flashback when j was with him. Ya Allah why this kind of dugaan ? 

All i see when i sleep is when were at KLCC and sat on the bench infront if ISETAN bersila lagi just talking

All i see and feel when i sleep is his lips pressing on my forehead at the hospital

All i see is my hand holding his hand at the hospital 

All i see is myself smiling alone when i saw he's sleeping next to me on top of ed. 

All i see is me and him running into KLCC because it was raining outside. 

All i see is him holding my hand for the first time at wangsa walk after watching movie with Ira and Bosir  

All i see is me hiding being his back watching the orphan movie in the hospital

All i see is me sitting infront of startbuck and die urut bahu ida lenguh. 

All i see is us for the first time just us two at kendai cendol waiting for ira and Al

All i see is him smiling and shouting when he found out i lied to him on his birthday last year :')

All i see is him hugging me at topshop when ira is buying her bra and I accidentally cried  about puteh :') 

All i see is him being next to me when i was sick in hospital. 

All i see is him... That's why i don't sleep now days

I wonder does he miss all that ?

I wonder does he feel what I'm feeling ?

I wonder if he still loves me .. 

3 words. Let me answer it for you

Not At All :') 

Tell u one thing i miss him so much by myside

Ya Allah why ?

Kenape die tak rase ape yang ida rasa ? 

Kenape die boleh happy bile ida takda ?

Kenape die sanggup buat ida macam ni?

Kenape die tak rindu ida ?

To be honest i don't know

Seriously i don't know what to feel. 

Sad ? Yes 

Angry ? Yes 

Paranoid ? Yes 

Happy yea ? Yea

Tired ? Yes

Im sad all of these happen in just one blink of an eye 

Angry because he's not mine and other girl can manja with him 

Paranoid because what is the real reason  for him to leave me 

Happy to see him happy without me

Tired to think and not be able to sleep because every time i sleep its like a flashback with him -.- 

Ape je lagi nak buat :p

Wait ~ what do you mean by that. I thought you said you'll be busy with your work and studying and you won't have time for me. And now you're saying ape je lagi nak buat ? 

I don't know if that was just some excuse for you to really let me go or what.

But hey everyone has their own reason for making the decision right ? 

They think before they speak right ? 

All i see is i'm the one who made him feel that way towards me. U know "tawar hati" and i blame myself for not taking care of his heart. I don't blame him if saying he's using gonna be busy with his study and work as an excuse to leave me :)

Ida don't want to think bad or negative cz all i get is dosa at the end :) and k certainly don't want that. Than Allah won't listen to my prayers. All i have now is Allah to talk about my feelings and ask for help. No one else. Not my friend , not my cousin not even my mom anymore ..

Its sad .. Really is

Hmm Nasib

Now literally only have Allah nak menangis and mengadu :'( too bad I'm   having my period. 

Ouch

"Daripada ida tu , cinta and gila kat orang yang tak sayang ida balik, pastu jadi gila nangis " ouch mama :') 

Stressed out ? Really ?

Last time i wasn't suppose to have my period YET. I got it. And it was all weird. Like one day i'd have my period and the next day its was gone. So i went to see the doctor to check what is really wrong. She said its because im too stressed out... *awkward* okay. 

This time i am suppose to have my period and i am having it now.But this is too much of a period haha last few days ago my boxer was wet with blood. I was literally shocked thought someone just stab my vajayjay when i was sleeping ! Bhahaha serious shit! 

Went to the doctor she said its cz im stressed out too -.- okay "doctor"

Blabbering

Sorry readers cz just this one day i kept post about my feelings towards him. 

Its just i'm all alone laying in bed. Just waiting for the time to take my medicine. Last time he was beside my bed with ed. 

Sorry i just started again haha just some sweet memories here... 

Is it really ?

I have to be honest my life haven't been the same since he left me as his girlfriend. 

You know i used to be this bubbly girl , jumping up and down, talks alot , laugh alot and smile alot. 

Well now i haven't notice myself but some people told me i look sick and unhappy. I donno i don't think i look sick and unhappy when i look in the mirror.

But ofcourse inside i'm sick and unhappy. 

Since he left me people keep saying i look pale and stuff. 

But its all doesn't matter anymore.

I used to u know ... Trying to be all pretty for him. Sometimes i even went to the saloon just because I'm going to see him.. Hahah how happy and excited i was :) 

Well now no need to be all pretty happy and excited anymore. For other guy ? Naa i think i had it with guys. 

They make you feel like you're the only girl and in the world and then just left you feeling the ugliest girl in the world haha all of them. Maybe that's why they said i look pale. 

Then about taking my medicine, he used to care about me. Tell me to take my medicine be all concern about my health. And that's actually my fav part. I like being manja :) that's the only time i can be manja with him. Now he's gone no need to take my medicine laaa :) no matter what happen to me , accident or coma, he's gonna be fine la :) i used to eat my medicine because he care about me and i love him. 

Now he's fine without me.very happy actually :) Alhamdulillah he's happy. I think its because he has his friends behind his back to catch him when he fell. You know all the lepaking shisha futsal. 

While i'm on the other hand left alone :) to be honest i don't really have any friends. Just some fake friends who would stand by me when im happy. But not the kind of friend to catch me when i fall :) you see..he's really lucky to have a friend :) all i had was my mom. Who can only gave a lill advice. That's it.

My cousin friends all ran away when im jn trouble.. Naaa im used to it. Who can blame them. They have a happy life with their boyfriends to care about than to care about a heartbroken cousin or friends :)

All i had was him :) to cry to manja to be friends to be brothers. You see it was all him and no one else :) he's actually all in one i must say hahah he's my everything. And basically all i do is to make him proud of me :) you know doing my art folio. Studying hard.be pretty.stay healthy. All for him. Now he's gone u know i didnt just lost a boyfriend i lost my everything. My spirits in everything. 

I guess that's why its hard for me to let him go. Especially as my boyfriend. 

All i wanted

All i wanted was him

All i wanted was to see him 

All i wanted was to hold his big hands 

All i wanted was to hug and squish him 

All i wanted was him to kiss my cheek 

All i wanted was him to kiss my head 

Before this i can do all those things once or twice a month and I'm fine with it. 

Its sad to know i can never have all of that anymore :') 

Its okay as long as he's happy

If being without me makes him more happy.

I'm willing to be the broken hearted girl for him.

He's okay don't worry

I guess he doesn't love me as much i love him 

I guess he doesn't need me as much as i need him. 

I can see he's better off without me :)

I can see he's fine without me :)

I can see he's happier without me :)

I wish the best for him :)

I wish for him to find a better girlfriend than me :)

Hopefully she will love him as much as i do 

Hopefully she will takes care of him 

Hopefully she will treat him better than i did 

Hopefully she will make him more happy than being with me. 

There's nothing left in me to wait for him

His family also asked me to move on.

Trust when it comes about family's opinion you gotta respect it. 

Even though it kills me.

Feels like ida actually kene halau dengan die dengan family die :') 

His family and him said it. 

Only Allah knows how i feel. 

 

Overboard

It feels like we've been out at sea, 

So back and forth that's how it seems,

And when I wanna talk you say to me

That if it's meant to be it will be. 

So crazy is this thing we call love,

And now that we've got it, we just can't give up

I'm reaching out for you,

Get me out here in the water and I

I'm overboard

And I need your love to pull me up

I can't swim on my own

It's too much

Feels like I'm drowning without your love,

So throw yourself out to me, my lifesaver.

Never understood you when you'd say,

You wanted me to meet you halfway,

I felt like I was doing my part,

You kept thinking you were coming up short

It's funny how things change cause now I see, 

So crazy is this thing we call love,

And now that we've got it we just can't give up

I'm reaching out for you,

Got me out here in the water and I.

 it's supposed to be some give and take, I know,

But you're only taking and not giving anymore.

So what do I do? 

Cause I still love you 

And you're the only one who can save me.

Only words i can say

I love you, and no matter what happens I will still love you and I still think of you all the time. I know it means nothing to you, but you mean everything to me.

Please if anyone ever falls in love with you and feels this strongly. Don't shrug it off like it is nothing, I'm not asking you to love them back, I'm just asking you to care.

And if anyone ever falls in love with someone this strongly and they don't love you the same way, hold on to every last bit of sanity you have. Don't let it completely ruin who you are. You are a wonderful person and can pull through. You will have some very rough times. But, it will get better...

I hope. At least that's what I've been told.

That feeling..

Pain. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pain. So deep it cuts into your very being. Leaving scars that will last long after the pain.

When more time is spent on the person you love than you would ever spend on yourself. Even if they would never give you the same sacrifice, and couldn't care less what your time is spent on.

No matter what you will always believe there is hope. And you despise yourself for it.

When your Heart has been ripped out, and ignored, yet still can't let go.

When you would do anything for your love... Even if it means that you can't love them.

When you try to find new ways to hate them. Becuase then at least it wouldn't hurt so much.

When everything is out of your control.

When you can't say why you love them, and to you that's the strongest love anyone can ever have.

When you realize that you can never, ever have them...again...

When you have finally hit the lowest low. And no one can bring you up, and anyone who can will never be there.

When you care so much about the person you forget about everything else completely, even your health and wellbeing.

When you sit and write something like this crying to yourself, and wondering why you are so pathetic.

When you can't sleep at night becuase when you close your eyes, they are standing there to remind you that you are alone.

When you feel all these feelings, but are too afraid to tell them, becuase you're scared they might not care. And the truth is they probably won't.

When you feel their presence everywhere. But you don't want to because it's just another reminder of how far away they really are.

When the pain is so great, you feel that giving up altogether is th only choice, when really you have so much to live for.

When they have told you that they don't love you. And you would do anything to say those same words...and mean it.

They don't love you back

There’s a strange feeling that sometimes overcomes us when we’re reaching out to someone, this feeling of acute embarrassment. “Are we bothering them?” we ask ourselves, and almost wanting to apologize for even sending a message in the first place. It’s as though our very presence in their lives is a nuisance, and our efforts to connect as friends or lovers is one that only complicates things for them. We want to say, “I’m sorry that I want to talk to you, it’s weird and I should probably stop.”

The thing is, you can feel when you’re bothering someone. It’s not difficult to tell when you are the one who is always reaching out, always initiating contact, always starting the conversation. You realize in a way that is at once terribly humiliating and almost masochistically sweet that you are the one chasing after them. When they grant you with their reciprocity, with their attention — nothing feels better. But most times you are left sending a message that you immediately regret, because you know that it only puts one more tallymark in the “you need them, and not the other way around” column.

There are few things more painful than feeling like you’re constantly going out of your way for someone who is, at best, mildly amused by your affection. It’s hard to explain the feeling of disappointment exactly, but it’s mostly directed towards yourself. You can tell when you send them a good-morning text message, or mail them a gift, or take the time to do something for them that you know they’ll barely appreciate — this isn’t going to be reciprocated. This isn’t going to be really appreciated. Hell, it may not even be noticed. But you can’t stop yourself.

It’s just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don’t really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are a mild irritant. There are going to be friends we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we’re in trouble — no matter how much we do these things for them. And there are going to be lovers with whom we long to construct an entire relationship, but with whom we will always feel stuck at the frustrating “beginner phase” where no exchanges go beyond the superficial. It just happens.

The most difficult thing, it seems, is being able to admit when your love is going nowhere. Speaking personally, I have watched as more than one friendship proved themselves to be entirely one-sided, when my attempts to connect with the person (even in forums as non-committal as sending a Gchat), were proving increasingly pathetic. I was just way more into them than they were to me, and there is always a certain amount of pain in admitting that. You don’t want to confront this person and tell them, “Hey, look at all of these nice things I do and efforts I make for you, and you don’t do any of these things in return,” because it is a sad thing to do.

It’s sad because the truth is that they don’t owe you their friendship or their love. They don’t owe you the same kind of relationship you desire from them. You can’t insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth of something. We make the choice to keep giving our attention and love to someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don’t want it, and it is always their choice to make if they one day decide they want to start reciprocating.

But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder. That means admitting that you have lost a battle you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose. 

I wonder...

I wonder if all those things he said to me was true. 

I wonder if he really means it when he says he wants to grow old with me

I wonder if its true that he love me so much

I wonder if its true when he said someday he's gonna tell his grandchild about us

I wonder if he really means it when he said he will never let me go

I wonder if it was really him that said nothing can separate us. 

I wonder if its true when he said i'm the reason he's working and studying hard. 

I wonder if its really him who said i'm his girlfriend. 

I wonder... If all of that are even true...

Ijab Dan Qabul :')

I'm watching this movie on tv3. Nora danish. Still in my bed all curled up with ed in my mom's room. Yea it still hurt :/

Joining my mom watching this movie on tv3 made me shed a tear.. 

How cute is shee (nora danish).. 

She is sick and suppose to die 5 years ago before she get married with him (adi putra).

But she loved him so much. She doesn't wan't to make him feel sad that she's dying slowly. 

After they get married. Few years after she managed to stay alive because of her love for him.he wanted to have a baby so much but she kept saying no without telling him the reason why.

Then he was planning to get married with her best friend just to have a baby. But at the same time he loves her so much.     

At last she found out that her husband was gonna marry her best friend. She ran away from him. 

Then her personal doctor tell him what was wrong with her. Its not because she doesn't wanna have a baby with him. She's has to take lots of pills and pregnancy just wouldn't work out

After he found out about her. He went to look for her at her kampung because it was raya. 

On his way to see her. He got hit by a car. She just couldn't accept the fact her husband died. And she told her mom if she die she wants to be buried next to him. 

When she was reading yassin for her husband with her husband's body right infront of her she also died. 

At the end they were both die and buried next to each other :') 

From that i learned how much a girl can love a boy, but he ... Just doesn't see it till its too late :')